The Dark Places…

Most people around me know that I have been going through a hard time lately. For the past year, several of my friends have either received cryptic text messages I send periodically asking for urgent prayer, or they ask how I’m doing and hear “not well” in response to their inquiry. Perhaps they have read my blog or even offered to loan me money so I can eat. Sometimes it’s not even about money, but my struggle to wait for God to provide me a wife. Whatever the case, they know I’m in a dark place.

I truly appreciate every single prayer lifted up for me, which is all I ever ask of anyone. Some have given more, but it’s as God has led them and I thank them for the provision. These events give me rays of hope and glimpses of freedom before the darkness once again envelopes me.

I need prayer now, more than ever. I struggle with the daily. I struggle with my faith because I have allowed my present situation to grow me cynical and depressed, pushing me away from my savior. I struggle with direction and hope, searching for a light that guides me to the way out. I struggle with just how much longer I can endure my rollercoaster circumstances where almost half of the year I have been without bed and comfort and now soon to be without office. I struggle with my natural desires for a godly mate and old habits that once were broken and have become new again. I have struggled with the demons that oppress and torment, proving to me just how real spiritual warfare truly is. I struggle with my focus and my ability to write and be creative despite the walls collapsing around me. I struggle with maintaining my blog because I do not want the pages filled with little more than sob stories and expressions of anguish. I struggle to be compassionate towards those around me or those less fortunate because my own personal pain is making me selfish and bitter. I struggle with all of these things because I am in a dark place of which I never wanted to return and it hurts like hell.

And for this, I ask for prayer. That’s all I ask for. That’s all I can ever ask for. And no, moving back to San Diego is not an option. I’ve been called to LA and this is now home, despite whatever dark places God allows me to go through.