It’s hard to have faith…

When I wake, you are there.
When I run, you run for me.
When I call, you listen.

Just to believe that you want me
Makes me think
I’m bound to know you.

Rain down on me,
Give me the eyes to see.
Rain down on me,
And I will believe.

Make my life a prayer to you
Lord, to do what you want me to
Rain your spirit down on me.

I can’t tell you how long it’s been since I first heard that song and it’s still my favorite. This song came out in the mid-90′s by a Christian band named Dryve. This was before Christian music hit it really big time and Newsboys only had about two or three albums out. Dryve broke up after their second CD came out, but this song had remained in my heart and my head the entire time.

“Rain” has also been playing over and over again in my car’s CD player over the last few days. For that, I am grateful to the band for creating it. It has been used to comfort and console me, encourage and enrich. It is reminding me who God is and why I rely on him, even though I have not been the best example of that as of lately.

My life, over that past three months, has been a rollercoaster. Not like it was much better before that with my Dad, but ever since I was not hired at The Rock Church for the Multimedia Producer position and my Dad gave me notice that he was moving out on me, I’ve have more highs and lows that a bi-polar drug addict taking anti-depressants with alcohol.

As you may remember, I was at a low after not being hired for the production position. I was desperate for anything I could get, even a job at Costco. I got a job at Scholastic ETV Consortium that was low paying, but seemed like fun. I started to have some stability in my life with staying at my Grandparents and getting a steady paycheck. I was there for about three and a half weeks when the incident occured with WSEC in Springfield, IL. After that, I was desperate again and my life hit another low. Finally, I ended up at Computer Modules, Inc.

I was fairly happy at Computer Modules. They treated me well and I good some pretty damn good benefits (health, vision, dental), plus the owner bought up lunch every Friday and we ate together in the conference room. With my new job at $35K, I was able to buy a new car and put a deposit down on an apartment (without my brother as a roommate!). Last Friday, I went to an event at UCSD, to learn more about engineering (since I’m not an engineer and my bosses are) and I returned to work, only to find out that it was my last day of employment.

It’s not hard to say that this was a surprise. I thought that I was doing a good job. In fact, Les (the owner) didn’t really have a reason for firing me. All he had was a “gut feeling” that I wasn’t going to work out long-term, so he wanted to cut his losses now and avoid any heartache. Despite the fact that I was supposed to get a week’s notice, I was let go and drove home from Rancho Bernardo jobless… in my new car… having just put down a deposit on my apartment two days prior.

I wasn’t overly worried or upset, though. I had a stange peace about it myself. I even told Les about it and also told him that I was actually in the middle of applying for a position at The Rock Church to be their Creative Director for Production (the same as the Multimedia Producer position… the guy they hired over me didn’t work out and the slot is open once again). I didn’t know if I would get that job or not, but I knew that God would provide.

Thinking and feeling that was actually not normal for me, as of late. Anyone who has really talked to me knows that my recent experiences has caused me to have a hardened heart towards God. I still know He’s there and everything, but I don’t have a strong fellowship with Him and I don’t feel like I can trust Him with providing me with what I need. This is all based on what happened with everything.

This time was different. This time I knew that God was in control. I knew that God would provide and make everything work out. The hard part is now keeping that faith until he does. And there is a clock on this, too, as I move into my apartment on December 1st and I need about $1,500 to put down, plus a pay stub proving my income. Not to mention that I’ve got the company doing my auto loan wanting proof of employment and I think they called Computer Modules up and was told that I no longer work there.

I am currently sitting in the food court at Parkway Plaza so I can access the internet through their hotspot. I can’t be at home, I’m not telling my family that I lost another job (this total five in my life, four of them relating to sales). Last time, my Grandpa didn’t speak to me for a week. I’ve got Office Team literally calling up clients to see if they can use someone with my skills. RF Industries (where I did a two-day temp assignment before getting hired at Computer Modules) may have a position for me in another week to week and a half. And, of course, I am waiting for my interview at The Rock Church, where I truly believe God wants me.

Yes, I’m starting to get anxious. I sit in my car, trying to pass the time, and I think about the timing and it freaks me out. That’s when I turn on the CD Player and ask God to “rain [his] spirit down on me.” I seriously feel like Job right now. I’ve felt like Job before, but I don’t think that any part of my life prior compares to what is going on right now. Nikki is trying to be supportive, but the way she is going about it just makes things worse. I know a lot of it has to do with the fact that I have the spiritual gift of faith (that I was ignoring for a while) and she has trouble relying on things that she can’t tangibly see and count for herself. It may be hard for her, but it’s even harder for me to have to deal with the person I am closest to being a hinderance to my faith that God will provide. I refuse to obsess about it and get myself all worked up over not having a job. That’s not going to help anything.

And so I wait. I wait on God to provide. I wait on him to show me who to call, who to talk to, where to drive, what application to fill out. I am no stranger to this place, but the stakes seem higher this time and I hope… I pray… that God provides on time.