“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” — Proverbs 13:12

I fall in love easily. Too easily. My heart is openly accessible to anyone who would have it and at risk to those who might use it and abuse it instead of treating it as they should. I know this is a weakness, but I can’t help it. It’s how God made me. I have a lot of love to give away and a little heartache is part of the package.

It doesn’t help when I meet someone new that I seem to click with and I expect physical sparks and fireworks immediately, only for reality to dunk my head into the toilet and flush repeatedly as a reminder that it’s not going to happen that way.

No, no matter how many times I allow myself to get hurt because I see a future that another doesn’t, I stand up and dust myself off for the next girl to help me repeat the cycle of insanity.

And now, I’m already preparing myself to get hurt by someone that I just met a week and a half ago. I haven’t been able to get her out of my mind since we met and I think I see a mutual attraction, but she’s got an adventurous spirit and my fear is that I won’t be enough for her to want to stay in LA to develop a relationship. I could be wrong, but perhaps this is the side effect of allowing myself to fall in love too easily. Sooner or later, I’m going to fear the hurt before it actually comes. I will grow cynical and stop looking past the difficulties to see the wonderful possibilities.

Part of my problem is that I have wanted to get married and begin raising a family for a long time. When Brie came into my life and I became “Uncle Aaron,” that feeling intensified. And I’ve thought for a while that I wouldn’t find my wife until I moved to LA and, now that I’m here, I’m wondering where she is.

Last night, I was reading an article on a Christian website about finding a wife. It described the process as “longing for a wife” and pointed to Proverbs 13:12 to illustrate the point.

“That’s it!” I thought. “That is exactly how I feel! I have waited and waited to the point that my heart has gotten sick.”

It’s true. I’m not sure that I can describe it any better. My heart is heavy as I think about my unmarried status. I talked previously about being content, but frustrated and that verse fits right in. I am in good moods most of the time, but then my heart will grow heavy and sick when I am forced to wait longer still for the promise of a wife to be fulfilled.

I think to the little things that I miss and crave. The holding hands. The gentle kisses. The warm cuddles on a cold night. I see couples kissing in public or walking together at amusement parks and my heart grows sicker still.

At least there is a silver lining. With all of the frustration and heavy hearts, once God brings that special woman into my life, I will be rejuvenated and the relationship will be “a tree of life.”

Blogged from my iPhone 3G.