I began this morning very excited. I helped a friend with his YouTube video last night into the wee hours of the morning (okay, it was only about 1:30am when we finished, but still…) and then came back and put some finishing touches on my new YouTube channel. All of that energy and excitement carried over to this morning, despite the obvious lack of adequate sleep, and I felt “jazzed” all morning. And why not? I’m excited about starting this new endeavor and what it might mean for advancing my career as a producer.
And then reality hit. The harsh, financial reality that has plagued me all fucking year. This year that has been worse than my “Year of Hell” in 2001. Month after month of barely scraping by, asking for loans from family members, never meeting my needs, and going without just because I can’t afford myself a single luxury. Another day where financial deadlines have come to a final impasse and there are no options on the table to remedy it. I can’t move because I am stuck and overwhelmed. I do my part in looking for work, but I’m caught in an awkward “between careers” position where I can’t get enough work in either industry to properly survive.
Quite frankly, I am fucking tired of it.
Yes, I swore. Twice now. Get over it.
I don’t know how much longer I can withstand before permanent change takes place. I’m not giving up, I’m just saying that I can’t stand up under this anymore. Just as I think I’m getting past one roadblock, another surprises me. What I think is a $50 traffic ticket about to be paid and cleared turns into an $800+ nightmare that I now have to fight with a judge over. I’m done. I need to figure out how to fulfill God’s calling in my life and remove the obstacles in my way. How much longer, Lord, must I endure this suffering?
That is one of the reasons why I am jumping in with both feet over this YouTube content. It’s going to get me out of any emotional ruts I am stuck in and force me to be creative. It is going to increase my exposure to the world and possibly land me some paying gigs. But most of all, it is going to help fulfill my calling to produce without waiting for large sums to drop in my lap, plus gives me the emotional pay off of being on camera as well. You have no idea what a rush I got last night as I helped with my friend’s video and looked up what camera I was going to buy for my stuff. I have to do this. I need to do this. Just as much as I need deliverance from the situation that I find myself in—my new Year of Hell.