I think God has been working on me a lot lately. A lot more than normal. Well, at least I’m listening more and actually letting the lessons sink in. That’s gotta count for something, right?
A little over a month ago, I told you about pushing the woman I loved away and finally mustering up the courage to tell her that I was sorry. So much has happened since I wrote that and I couldn’t tell every detail if I wanted to. (I actually don’t want to, believe it or not… I know, so not like me!) What I am willing to share is that, two days after sending her that apology email and her replying, we randomly ran into each other at a networking event. I didn’t expect to see her, but there she was. And it was like no time had passed.
I honestly had not expected to be back in her life so quickly, nor had I expected to have another chance to pursue her, but it was happening. I was apprehensive at first; afraid to have my heart broken by the same person once again. Yet, there I was: confessing my love and falling back in love with the person that never left my heart emotionally. I even wrote her another poem (the third she has been a muse for) and was getting happier and happier by the day as we appeared to draw closer to the other, inch by inch.
And I say inch, because we are taking it slow. Very slow. And it’s frustrating the hell out of me, but it is exactly what I need. This is the lesson I need to learn. Not the patience part, but the part that forces me to trust God with this relationship. You see, because I’ve dated so many women that have never turned into relationships, my fear is that this one never will as well. I’m afraid of getting hurt and instead of keeping myself guarded, it forces me to rush things when I find a woman that I truly like. And I try to take control of the situation to make them love me back, which doesn’t work. At all. Even good things have been taken away from me because I’m not letting God do his work.
A couple weeks ago, I realized what I was doing. I was trying to force the relationship to happen instead of letting God woo her heart toward me. So, I reached out to a couple of close friends and told them what was going on and asked for prayer. Since then, it’s been a back-and-forth battle between my fear, which has been reading too much into the situation, and my faith, which is handing control back over to God.
I even had a night where I ran into a friend from church, told him of my struggle, then went home. Within an hour, my fear had again consumed me and I tweeted my frustration. This same friend saw and commented, “cuz then we wouldn’t need to trust God for everything and care the most about His opinions.”
That hit me square between the eyes. God wanted me to see how ridiculous I was acting. So, I handed control over to him once more. The next several days, however, the pattern would continue. My mind would wonder why things are going so slow, then God would remind me that he wants me to build something that will last, then I’d grow fearful again, then I’d relax and trust God once more. Never. Ending. Cycle.
Finally, Sunday arrives. I force myself to go to church (I’ve really been slacking all this year). Pastor Tim is currently teaching from Hosea, which chronicles a prophet who married a prostitute as a symbol of God’s love for, and relationship with, the nation of Israel. At one point, he made the following commentary:
If you have to perform in order to achieve acceptance, you will be forced to continue performing to order to maintain acceptance.
Bam! Right between the eyes again. He was talking about the nature of God’s love toward us. This also directly relates to the falsity of works-based salvation, because one could not work hard enough to achieve, let alone maintain, God’s acceptance. (And, when you think about it, that makes the grace of his abundant love for us even greater).
For me, though, it hit closer to home. It hit directly where I was struggling: my prospective relationship. And I relate it like this: If I work hard to win her love through my performance, I will be forced to never stop performing, lest the relationship fall apart. Alternatively, if I just be myself and allow God to bring us together in his timing and according to his desire, then it will be a union that can stand under pressure. And that’s the kind of relationship I want.
Are there still things I have to do? Yes. I’ll still call her, write her poetry, and open doors for her because that’s the kind of guy I am, but at the end of the day I can relax and let God deal with her heart. I couldn’t force that to change anyway. When all is said and done, God has got to be involved. I can either get in the way and make it more difficult, or I can step aside and let him work his magic.
I choose to let him work his magic.