Christmas Presents & CD Collections
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What happens when your family buys you music for every birthday and Christmas over several years? A large CD collection, that’s what! It’s Christmas morning and we are taking a look at the CD collection that my cousin, Grant, has compiled over time. There are over 350 titles here, equaling about 17 days worth of music. Do you share his musical interests?
Bunny Pajamas & Flaming Pudding Balls
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Here is my second video blog for my AaronKaiserTV channel on YouTube.
I went to a Christmas party last night and tried to shoot a video of some cookies shaped like the kid from “A Christmas Story” wearing bunny pajamas. The video didn’t quite go as planned. Also, we set a pudding ball on fire. Boom.
AaronKaiserTV #1 – Introducing Aaron Matthew Kaiser
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This is my first video blog for my new YouTube channel! I haven’t been this excited about a project in a long time and I made sure to jump into this with both feet so it didn’t become yet another “I’ll get to that eventually” project. So, I have my camera (Kodak Zi8) and as soon as I get some editing problems resolved, more videos will be coming soon!
Please make sure to check out the video, subscribe to the channel, and tell your friends so they don’t miss the new videos as they come out! I will be video blogging from a general/career perspective (as opposed to the personal/faith aspect that I most often touch on in my written blog) and there will undoubtedly be a few funny moments as well.
I began this morning very excited. I helped a friend with his YouTube video last night into the wee hours of the morning (okay, it was only about 1:30am when we finished, but still…) and then came back and put some finishing touches on my new YouTube channel. All of that energy and excitement carried over to this morning, despite the obvious lack of adequate sleep, and I felt “jazzed” all morning. And why not? I’m excited about starting this new endeavor and what it might mean for advancing my career as a producer.
And then reality hit. The harsh, financial reality that has plagued me all fucking year. This year that has been worse than my “Year of Hell” in 2001. Month after month of barely scraping by, asking for loans from family members, never meeting my needs, and going without just because I can’t afford myself a single luxury. Another day where financial deadlines have come to a final impasse and there are no options on the table to remedy it. I can’t move because I am stuck and overwhelmed. I do my part in looking for work, but I’m caught in an awkward “between careers” position where I can’t get enough work in either industry to properly survive.
Quite frankly, I am fucking tired of it.
Yes, I swore. Twice now. Get over it.
I don’t know how much longer I can withstand before permanent change takes place. I’m not giving up, I’m just saying that I can’t stand up under this anymore. Just as I think I’m getting past one roadblock, another surprises me. What I think is a $50 traffic ticket about to be paid and cleared turns into an $800+ nightmare that I now have to fight with a judge over. I’m done. I need to figure out how to fulfill God’s calling in my life and remove the obstacles in my way. How much longer, Lord, must I endure this suffering?
That is one of the reasons why I am jumping in with both feet over this YouTube content. It’s going to get me out of any emotional ruts I am stuck in and force me to be creative. It is going to increase my exposure to the world and possibly land me some paying gigs. But most of all, it is going to help fulfill my calling to produce without waiting for large sums to drop in my lap, plus gives me the emotional pay off of being on camera as well. You have no idea what a rush I got last night as I helped with my friend’s video and looked up what camera I was going to buy for my stuff. I have to do this. I need to do this. Just as much as I need deliverance from the situation that I find myself in—my new Year of Hell.
Today was a better day. I’ve been having a rough couple of weeks lately (not to mention how this entire year has been a rollercoaster emotionally and financially), so it was good that I had a better day. It’s what God does to begin the healing process after great pain.
Is the situation resolved? By no means! I still covet your prayers over my life, just know that they are working and keep them coming! Prayer saw a few bills paid after the beginning of the month and prayer saw me pick up a client last week that enabled me to secure my office at least until the end of the year! Prayer will likely be what lines up additional provisions for what bills I have in front of me now: car, insurance, storage, cell phone, etc.
I will be taking a few days off next week around Thanksgiving. I’m going back down to San Diego early and resting. I need it and what it will mean for having more “better days” after I am refreshed. Maybe I’ll even get some writing done.
Between those days off, taking care of my office, and the next few days as I house/cat-sit for one of my friends, I feel a weight lifted off my shoulders. I feel slightly renewed already and I know it’s because you are praying for me so that these dark places will change into a better days.
Most people around me know that I have been going through a hard time lately. For the past year, several of my friends have either received cryptic text messages I send periodically asking for urgent prayer, or they ask how I’m doing and hear “not well” in response to their inquiry. Perhaps they have read my blog or even offered to loan me money so I can eat. Sometimes it’s not even about money, but my struggle to wait for God to provide me a wife. Whatever the case, they know I’m in a dark place.
I truly appreciate every single prayer lifted up for me, which is all I ever ask of anyone. Some have given more, but it’s as God has led them and I thank them for the provision. These events give me rays of hope and glimpses of freedom before the darkness once again envelopes me.
I need prayer now, more than ever. I struggle with the daily. I struggle with my faith because I have allowed my present situation to grow me cynical and depressed, pushing me away from my savior. I struggle with direction and hope, searching for a light that guides me to the way out. I struggle with just how much longer I can endure my rollercoaster circumstances where almost half of the year I have been without bed and comfort and now soon to be without office. I struggle with my natural desires for a godly mate and old habits that once were broken and have become new again. I have struggled with the demons that oppress and torment, proving to me just how real spiritual warfare truly is. I struggle with my focus and my ability to write and be creative despite the walls collapsing around me. I struggle with maintaining my blog because I do not want the pages filled with little more than sob stories and expressions of anguish. I struggle to be compassionate towards those around me or those less fortunate because my own personal pain is making me selfish and bitter. I struggle with all of these things because I am in a dark place of which I never wanted to return and it hurts like hell.
And for this, I ask for prayer. That’s all I ask for. That’s all I can ever ask for. And no, moving back to San Diego is not an option. I’ve been called to LA and this is now home, despite whatever dark places God allows me to go through.
UPDATE: There is a slight change in schedule for my Saturday hosting schedule that I am TOTALLY stoked about! It seems that there was a last minute addition by SyFy to show a sneak peek of the upcoming Caprica series, a spin-off from the recent Battlestar Galactica reboot set to air on January 22nd. I am so excited!
I will be hosting panels and screenings during the San Diego Film Festival on Friday and Saturday. For those of you in attendance that want to come and see me, here is my schedule:
…and, as we walked by room 318, the door opened and Batman appeared in the doorway. He stood tall and stared at us as we passed. It wasn’t long before we couldn’t help but begin chuckling.
What do you mean that I can’t start at the end of the story? That’s the best part. We’re talking Batman here. You really don’t care about what lead up to this. Might as well just run right to the punchline. Okay, okay… fine. I’ll tell the entire story, but I warned you! By the time we are done, you will come to the same conclusion as I did: God is Batman. Yes, it’s a stretch, but read on.
Three weeks ago, I was wrestling with God—big time! For three months, I had been homeless. The latter two of those months, I was actually working on-site with a freelance client that was paying fairly good money. Even though I wasn’t happy being there, I was faithful and stuck with it because I knew God placed me there to deal with some bills that were piling up. I kept paying past due bills and more past due bills, never having enough to get me into a place with a bed and a shower. I had reached a breaking point and rolled up my sleeves as I pleaded with God to change my situation poste haste. I couldn’t wait any longer!
For the next three days, I wrestled with God over his timing. It wasn’t a desire for my circumstances to change, it was a necessity. I told him how angry I was and how I needed him to move immediately. By that Saturday, I had a place to live, but it came with another test of patience and endurance. I only had $15 remaining to spend on food and gas until I got paid the following Thursday. By the end of that weekend, however, I was fully refreshed and rejuvenated. It is amazing what simple comforts can do for a man emotionally.
To give you a clear picture of how important this was for me, we need to go back to a previous blog entry. Remember when I talked about hope deferred? Hope seems to be a constant, recurring theme in my life and my blog. In fact, here we are, talking about hope again. The verse in question is Proverbs 13:12, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” (NIV)
When I talked about this verse before, I was referring to longing and waiting for a wife. While that is still in play, this time we are talking about having a place to live. The situation had become so dire that I could not focus at work, nor on anything else. I had a physical need that wasn’t being met and all I could see in front of me was how bad my situation was and how much I needed it to change sooner, rather than later.
That’s the first part of that verse, but it doesn’t end there. Remember the second part? “…a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” As I mentioned, within the first two days of moving in, all of that anxiety was gone! My spirits improved and it carried over into all facets of my life and work. Never before had such a desperately sought after hope been fulfilled in such a complete manner that restoration was immediate and recognizable. Part one: sucks. Part two: joyful. You can’t get more clear-cut than that.
Okay, so maybe you are wondering now just where I’m staying. Do you remember the “hooker hotel” from Pretty Woman? The one that Julia Roberts’ character lived at and Richard Gere climbed up the fire escape of at the end of the movie? Well, that’s where I’m living. It’s not the most glamorous place in the world, but the owner is nice and it’s better than what I had before (which was nothing). The pay is weekly and I didn’t have a huge deposit to deal with, which is what had kept me out of an apartment before. And it’s two blocks from Hollywood and Highland, so there is a lot around (including the crazies… and people who dress up as Batman).
One of my friends also lives in another room here. He’s actually the one who referred me to move in. Every four weeks, we are supposed to move out for a day and then we can check back in. This last Saturday was when my friend was supposed to move out. The night before, as I drove home, I had a thought come to my mind to pray for him. My prayer was simple, “Father, please give him favor so that he doesn’t have to check out and deal with all of that stress.”
Then I forgot about it completely.
The next morning, after helping him move some stuff down into my closet for the 24 hour period, I waited for him outside as he dealt with the owner at the front counter. As he came out, I saw an odd look on his face and I grew fearful that no rooms would be available for him to move back into and he would be screwed. Instead, my friend said, “You want to hear something amazing? I don’t have to check out. And neither do you. He trusts us.”
I was speechless. I’m sure that my jaw had literally dropped as I uttered, “But… I prayed exactly for that last night! Not for me, per se, but for you!”
Just as I had never before experienced such a great longing fulfilled in moving in here, I also have never seen such a specific prayer answered in such a concise way. Bam. God showed up.
Before going out to grab some breakfast, we needed to drop something off in my friend’s room. We climbed the stairs to the third floor and, as we walked by room 318, the door opened and Batman appeared in the doorway. He stood tall and stared at us as we passed. It wasn’t long before we couldn’t help but begin chuckling.
To my friend, this was simply a street performer appearing at the right time for God to show that he had a sense of humor. Nothing more than an “on top of all that, it’s Batman. How random.”
To me, it was much more. It was God showing that he is just like Batman. God’s methods and ways are mysterious; Batman is dark and mysterious. God reveals himself at the right time; Batman shows up to save you just before the commercial break. God is always watching over you; Batman was standing in the doorway, watching over us. Yes, this was God saying, “I’m Batman. And I can breathe in space.“
Have you ever felt like you’ve spoken too soon? Perhaps you waited and waited for the right moment, but as soon as the words left your mouth, something happened that made them completely irrelevant?
Well, it looks like I spoke too soon. Two nights ago, I blogged about not knowing my next steps. My contract assignment was coming to a close at the end of the week—of which I was actually grateful for multiple reasons—but I didn’t know where the next check was coming from to move forward and I was slightly apprehensive. I know my destination, but I’ve been taken on a side path and didn’t know whether it was time to get back on the main road or not.
Less than twelve hours later, the next morning, I was pulled into a side office to talk. Last time this happened, it was because I was making phone calls regarding a short film I was producing while sitting at my desk and multi-tasking. This time, it turns out that the person I was filling in for would not be returning from maternity leave. Since we both know that I’m not the right person for the job permanently, they wanted me to stay on board until they can hire someone. This could be an indeterminite two to four weeks of extra work.
Why was I not excited, you ask? Mostly because I had already prepared myself mentally for the job to end and for me to move on. I was ready to be back to work in my own office and to find a way to sit and write. This threw a major monkey wrench into my plans and I had to readjust.
My first response was to pray. There are some small rooms set aside for private phone calls (the poor acoustics make them unusable, but that is another story), so I went inside and closed the door for some private quiet time with my creator. It was a request for wisdom and guidance. Was this Him opening the door, or did he have something bigger for me? Perhaps the advice I got from one of my pastors is correct: “I think that the answer of what to do next is whatever He puts in front of you.”
Second, I made a pro/con list. The cons far outweighed the pros (of which there was one: money), but that was a big enough positive that I couldn’t just bypass the opportunity. The subsets of that included paying bills and maybe even getting an apartment and changing my living situation, which is currently my major prayer request.
The final thing I did was to not respond immediately. I had until this morning to let them know how long I could extend my contract. In the end, I told them that I would stay the full length until they found someone (hopefully not to last longer than four weeks). Trying to convince them to give me a small bump in pay for these final weeks, but we shall see how that plays out.
So, my plans changed almost as soon as I wrote about them. Maybe if I blogged more frequently, I could speak too soon more often. You know, I’m never going to get that TV show picked up… 
Life is all about chapters and eras. I think that’s how God designed our brains, so we can comprehend. Something begins, then it ends and another takes it’s place. Since we live in a linear universe, life must happen in a linear fashion. Yes, there can be overlap, but I think that most of us will agree that this is how life typically unfolds.
I’ve been in a bit of a pensive mood all evening. A small chapter in my life—an interlude, if you will—is about to end and I have no clue what is about to beset me. I know where I want to go, but these last few weeks have sidetracked me and I’m not sure if it’s time to get back on the path yet, or not. Yes, I would like to, but I am sensitive to God’s timing and direction.
Ask me what I would like to do after this week is over. Go ahead, I’m waiting. What’s that? You want to know what I would really, really like to do after this week is over? Alright. Since you asked, I will tell you. I want to take a few days, drive up the coast and find a nice, remote motel and sit down with my laptop and limited internet connection and write. Get everything out of my system. Scripts, blogs, series bibles, treatments, you name it. And then I would come back to Los Angeles with an arsenal full of finished material (yes, I used the term ‘arsenal’ on purpose) to actually begin producing and getting underway.
Here are two problems with that plan: 1) I don’t have the money for a trip. This client contract that is ending will serve an important role of barely catching me up on my bills, but leaves me nothing moving forward. I need a new source of income and I’d like it to actually be from the entertainment industry. 2) I don’t have a working laptop, nor do I have the funds to buy one (or a cheap netbook). So, I am effectively trapped between what I feel like I need to do and what I financially am able to do.
There’s another reason that I am feeling to apprehensive. Let me just say this now: I am a producer. I only build websites for money. There, I feel a little better. I am tired of this dual persona, where I have to pretend that I’m not in the entertainment industry when I’m on-site with a client (I’ve actually gotten talked to about my telephone conversations numerous times) while not promoting my front-end development skills the other 95% of the time because I’m trying to brand myself in a particular career sector. I already have people who only see me as a web developer, despite my numerous accolades and awards. This is frustrating and damaging to my future. It’s time to move on, but I can’t. I need the income.
And so I sit here, wondering what my next step is. When I look at how much money this seven and a half week contract brought me compared to how much money I was behind, it comes out almost even and I see God. I know that this is where I was supposed to be for the past few weeks. Yes, I was frustrated at times and the commute was hell, but it was nothing that I couldn’t handle. I just don’t know what’s in store for me. I question how I am paying for August bills. I seek answers to resolving my living situation, which needs an immediate change.
What I’m saying is this: the contract I am about to finish was good for what it was—getting me caught up on bills—but I need something better as soon as this chapter ends on Friday. When I turn the page, I hope to begin a new act where my past is put behind me, my future unfolds before me, and this events are only spoken of as anecdotes of how God made me stronger.