“Creative Hands” © Jeff Daly via Flickr

I have a theme for April. For the next thirty days, I will be threading everything I do through this one word. Every day, I will do at least one thing that embodies this thesis. By the time I am done, I am hoping to have infused it within my life on a daily basis.

Creativity.

That’s the theme. I’m going to stop talking about being creative and actually do it. Every. Day. And not just in one area, but many. I talked before about how I felt like I was juggling too many objectives, but for some reason I feel balanced and sane right now.

I am doing this because I believe that creativity will beget creativity. The more creative I am, the more I will attract other creatives who might want to work with me. And maybe I’ll attract people who want to invest in creativity. I still don’t have enough funds to pay my bills or get an apartment, but I feel like this is something I absolutely must do. This step must be taken. In fact, I am placing a higher priority on being creative than I am on paying work.

How am I going about this massive undertaking of creativity? There are three main ways.

First, I have recently jump-started my YouTube channel and video blog again. My first video (embedded below) shows off part of my adventures at WonderCon this last weekend. I’m going to be vlogging about some other trips I’m possibly taking, plus begin shooting segments where I discuss some of the unique areas around Los Angeles that I really like. Within the next couple of weeks, I will also be shooting my new audition video for the Ford Fiesta Movement and will hopefully get into that this time around (which will lead to more adventures).

My plan is to create two to four videos a month. At the most, I will likely upload something once a week, but I won’t hold myself to that if I get too busy with other activities.

Next, I am posting a photo to Flickr every day this month. This is my big personal challenge as I have more than enough content to be posting regularly, but I just haven’t been doing so. Since I have so many back-logged photos that I can post, I’ll be doing so daily. Thirty photos in thirty days. That’s the big goal. That’s the big challenge.

“A View of the Bay” is my latest photo subject and the first image uploaded to Flickr during my 30 Days of April challenge.

Expect to see some images of models that I promised more photos of months ago, along with some new stuff that I’ll likely be shooting along the way. I’m really excited about this part of the project. I think I’m feeling calm and capable about everything because I’m limiting myself to just one image per day. That makes the goal achievable.

Finally, I’m rewriting a script this month. Almost three years ago, I created a half-hour quirky drama called Life in Bloom. The original intent was to get brand sponsorship and distribute it online as a half-hour webseries (likely on Hulu). The problem was that I couldn’t gain traction with sponsors and always felt that maybe the series was truly destined for television.

But it was a half-hour drama. Where could it fit? Dramas were usually an hour long. This script was the length of most sitcoms, but it wasn’t funny enough to be classified as such. And honestly—as my first completed television pilot—the concept wasn’t that strong to really carry a series.

Then an idea popped into my head recently on how I could flesh out the story and make it a one-hour formatted drama. The characters are pretty much all the same, except a different one has been promoted to the show lead. And he has a slightly different main storyline for each episode. Without going into details, there will be a procedural-type of element added to the series where fans of series like Early Edition and Quantum Leap will enjoy this.

Since I originally wanted to write something for Script Frenzy this month (before I found out that it wasn’t officially happening), I’m taking up rewriting this script as a third area of practicing creativity. I will pick it up as I have time and hopefully be done by April 30th.

So, that’s it. That’s me being creative for 30 days during the month of April.

In the midst of this, I’m also trying to train myself to have a more regular sleep schedule and begin my day at a specific time. In doing so, I am hoping to develop a flexible routine. I want to have certain parts of my day that are generally reserved for image processing, reading or writing scripts, updating social media networks, having meetings, etc.

It’s also quite possible that I might announce a couple of other projects at some point during this month. I’m talking to a musician friend of mine about possibly directing a music video for one of his songs. And if I can find/write a good script for a short film or webseries, I’d like to start putting something like that together as well. My challenges with those are more related to finances and affording equipment and crew, but I believe that it will all come together if it’s meant to.

Like I said, creativity will beget creativity. Let’s ride!

Note: If you would like to follow my adventure of creativity, make sure to follow me on Twitter, add me as a contact on Flickr, and subscribe to my YouTube channel. Of course, if we are Facebook friends, I will be posting there as well.

© Alex Abian via Flickr

Note: This is an addendum to my blog post last night.

I just realized something. Once of the reasons that I’ve struggled with maintaining some of my social presences, such as YouTube, has a lot to do with the fact that I’m trying to juggle too many balls at once. I’ve looked around at a lot of other YouTubers that post regularly and this is their main focus. Their careers are built around their online escapades, whereas I would prefer that my career be accentuated.

The path I am trying to forge for myself is grounded in traditional media with a twist of independence. As Frank Sinatra sang, I’m doing it my way.

That means that I need to approach these tools my way as well. I’m still not sure what I want to do with my personal YouTube channel (I don’t want it to just be a daily vlog), but I know that planning “regular” updates (a lot of successful YouTubers do weekly updates) might not be in the cards.

Back to the juggling aspect of this post: my problem is that if I’m working on a YouTube video, I’m not writing my business plan (or shopping it around, since I just finished it). If I’m working on my business plan, I’m not shooting or editing photos to upload to Flickr. If I’m shooting or editing photos, I’m not working on developing a new script or concept. Since these avenues are not currently bringing me much—if any—income, then when I work on any of these, I’m not working on a paying client project.

My problem is that I have too many balls in my hands that I’m juggling. I’ve struggled with this in the past when trying to define who I am. A lot of people are simply mechanics or lawyers. Some have a couple of titles. I try to keep things simple as well, but I just have way too many titles and interests. I’m a producer, a writer, a photographer, a web developer, an entrepreneur, a public speaker… how do you fit all of these onto a business card? And how do you juggle all of these interests? How do you keep a production company, a YouTube channel, and a Flickr photostream all going at once?

I think my first issue is that I have to finally decide what I want to do with my YouTube channel. Do I just save it for behind-the-scenes of my production or photography work? Do I develop a theme or topic that I am an expert in and try to post at least once or twice a month? Do I try to do it all alone or do I get an assistant or two? I really, really don’t know yet.

If you have some suggestions on what you’d like to see from my personal YouTube channel, please let me know.

© analog photo fun via Flickr

It almost feels like I’ve had my head underwater for the last several months. At least on social media. Sure, I’ve been active via Facebook and semi-active on Twitter, but mostly about personal matters and I haven’t been talking about any of my projects. The main reason for that is that everything was halted while I finished some revisions to the AntiKaiser business plan.

But now I’m done and it’s as if I’m coming up for air from a very deep dive. I want to get my blog started up again and maybe my video blog (if I can figure out exactly what I want to do with it). I want to re-engage my followers on Twitter and become a knowledge source again. I want to transition from content-consumer to content-creator.

So, how do I start? Well, writing this blog entry is a good place to begin. Just get the juices flowing again. I’ve still got some personal affairs to deal with (living/working conditions are not as conducive to being me being as productive as I could be), but I’m hoping to get into some regular patterns. Such as posting a photo to Flickr on a regular basis or writing part of a script and sharing something about it.

The most important thing is that I don’t want 2013 to be another holding pattern year like 2012 was. I need to get my company funded and start producing some new content. I’m considering applying for the WB Writers’ Workshop in a couple months as well, plus there is another Ford Fiesta Movement happening soon that I might try to get into. In April, I’d like to participate in ScriptFrenzy (the script version of NaNoWriMo, which I failed miserably at), and I’ve also got a couple more business plans I’d like to write for some other potential ventures before the end of the year (not to mention various scripts and series bibles that I need to do before too long).

Of course, a lot of this is dependent upon how quickly I get funding for AntiKaiser or if another big gig pops up. I just hope it doesn’t become an all-or-nothing ordeal.

In case you don’t know what I’m talking about and the graphic above hasn’t clued you in, the insanity that I speak about is NaNoWriMo. It is a challenge to write a 50K word novel in 30 days through the course of November.

Yeah, you read that right. 50,000 words. In 30 days. By myself. Well, not quite by myself, there are 300K other insane people doing this as well. And there are write-ins and whatnot set up to support you in your quest. But the novel is all me. Alone. My thoughts, my words, my commitment.

I seriously must have lost my marbles. My November is already insane with trying to finish my AntiKaiser business plan, wrap up some photography processing from shoots at the end of September, hosting the Valley Film Festival, and more. And now, on top of all that, I’ve decided to write a novel. A 50K-word work of fiction. Plus, I’m already a couple days behind schedule because I didn’t know which concept I wanted to run with. By telling you about it, I’ve just committed to getting it done. What. Have. I. Done?

Well, I never said that I was the sharpest tool in the shed. Just the most used one. I’ll check in with you at the end of the month and let you know how it went. Assuming that I survive.

Allow me to introduce you to my mock Chevy Volt ad. I took this photo at Vasquez Rocks (famous for being where Captain Kirk fought the Gorn in the Star Trek episode “Arena”) during my two day Chevy Volt loan, courtesy GM and Klout. As you can see, the location influenced the direction I took with the ad copy. Trekkies will definitely appreciate this.

A lot of people have been asking me how I got to drive the Volt around. If you are unfamiliar with Klout, they are a site that measures your influence across various social media platforms. Everyone has a varying opinion about them, but the cool aspect is that they partner with people to provide perks. In the past, I’ve gotten stuff from TNT (“Men of a Certain Age” season 1 DVD set and “Falling Skies” swag) and Lipton (powdered iced tea mixture), etc. A couple months ago, I qualified for the Chevy Volt loan. This is, by far, my largest perk yet and I enjoyed it immensely. I think I gave at least half a dozen people rides and demoed the technology and features to them.

My overall impression of the Volt is extremely positive. Very nice interior and electronics, a smooth ride, good fuel economy. My only negatives that I take away are: the battery only has a 35 mile range, it doesn’t really sync up well with the iPhone (especially when using Siri, although the call quality when connected is superb), and it was so quiet inside that I did not hear an ambulance approaching.

If you want to see the rest of the images I took at Vasquez Rocks, check them out below or head on over to my Flickr account.

When I first moved to Los Angeles, I blogged nearly every other day. I was transparent and honest about who I was and what I was going through, both good and bad. That rubbed a few people wrong, thinking I was sharing too much, but most people appreciated the candor of my words.

Then I stopped blogging as much. I blamed it on being busy, uninspired, or tired. Those were true, but there was something else at work. I began hiding. I had to conform to the “Hollywood mentality” of only putting your best foot forward. Any sign of weakness was something that could be exploited or a reason to withdraw consideration of working with you. The problem is that I stopped completely. I didn’t even post the good stuff that was happening. Yes, there were times that I couldn’t because of a pending deal or because it was premature to discuss, but the situation just spiraled out of control and I felt a barrier any time I tried to write any type of post.

But the biggest change is that I stopped showing my weakness and pain. I had to stand strong, even when I wasn’t. Some close friends knew the situations that befell me, but most people did not and could not. The truth is, the last four years in Los Angeles—while I wouldn’t trade it or move for the life of me—have been the most difficult and trying ever. I have been betrayed by those I thought were brothers in Christ, abused by employers, pushed aside by potential lovers, accosted by the legal system, and metaphorically raped by the financial system. Drama has followed me, despite my attempts to avoid it, and I’ve had to fight major battles more than once with varying degrees of success. All while secretly living in my tiny office. You can’t imagine the embarrassment that last part breeds unless you’ve experienced something similar.

Today, it felt as if all of the emotions I’ve tried to hold back have come crashing down. And in the back of my mind, I was reminded of the following verse:

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. (2 Corinthians 12:9 ESV)

I would be lying if I said this ordeal has made me a perfect Christian. Aside from the fact that no such thing exists, my pain has made me more jaded than anything else. Yet, despite this, I’ve always relied upon God and seen Him perform miracle after miracle. I’m actually waiting for Him to perform one today. You see, in my weakness, He is strong. It is those moments when I have no other earthly options that His glory shines the brightest.

So, what is this post? Am I planning to constantly talk about how miserable my life is moving forward? Certainly not. First of all, despite the pain, my life is not miserable. I am in the city that God has called me to, pursuing the calling that He has placed in my heart. I am surrounded by many supportive friends that have, quite frankly, kept me sane and kept me alive. (You know who you are.)

Secondly, I am hesitant to promise that I am going to start blogging regularly again. While I would like to, some of those excuses (e.g., being busy and tired) still exist. I will be making a better effort to post regularly, but the one thing I am not going to do is hide anymore. I still can’t share everything, but I want to share more. Both the good and the bad. Even if it’s just a few paragraphs about something awesome that happened that day.

It’s important that I don’t pretend to be Superman, even though I really wish I was. (You better believe that I would fly around the city and fight crime if I could.) The spotlight isn’t about me and what I’m doing for myself. It’s about God saving me and working through me to better my life and the lives of those around me. Any success I have will be because of Him and I must be honest about that. In order to ensure that happens, I must also be honest about my suffering.

I think it’s only fitting that, as I went to grab the verse above that inspired this post, I was hit in the face with a similar verse from Isaiah. This is how God communicates with us—through His word. And this is his direct response—intended just for me—as I go through my current struggles. And now I share it with you:

fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
(Isaiah 41:10 ESV)

On this day 1,983 years ago, a man from Nazareth was wrongfully executed, convicted by a rigged jury and angry mob.

As he hung on the cross and died, he forgave the people the killed him, he forgave his friends that abandoned him, and he forgave you. For it wasn’t the lashes or the beating that ended his life, nor the asphyxiation from his shoulders being dislocated. It was your sin—and mine—upon his back. He was the only perfect man that ever lived and he willingly made himself a sacrifice because none of us are worthy of joining God in Heaven.

Romans 10:9 says that “if you declare with your mouth, ‘Jesus is Lord,’ and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” It’s as simple as that. You can’t earn your way into Heaven. It’s not a matter of being a good person. There are not multiple ways to get there. Jesus said no man comes to the Father, but through Him.

This is the one day of the year that I will be this bold on my Facebook wall. The one day of the year that I will push this on you because it’s important. You need to get it. Without Christ, you are destined for hell. You don’t need to get your shit together before coming to Him, that’s the entire point. You can’t do it on your own. Just realize that the cross was for you. The sacrifice was to cover your sins. And salvation is as simple as accepting that.

©TheRogue on Flickr

I don’t think anyone reads my blog anymore. It’s my fault, really. I’m not consistent. Sure, I’ll spend a week or two putting up a handful of entries, but then I’ll go a couple of months until I post again. This time around, it’s been about six months. Oops.

The truth is, I’ve had a lot happening behind the scenes in the business arena and I’m not comfortable talking about any of it until official announcements are made. I don’t want to ruin and/or jinx any of these opportunities. (All I will say is that each day is a day closer to my goals.)

One thing that I can talk about, though, is what’s going on with me emotionally and spiritually. Last time you heard from me here, I was heartbroken. I experienced a type of love I never had before, only it wasn’t reciprocated and I was left shattered. I was hurt, then she managed to anger me and we stopped talking completely as I waited for her to contact me to resolve our differences. She never did, but It was during those last three months that God had been working on me in a way that he never had before.

I attend church on Sundays at Reality LA. We’ve been dubbed the “hipster church of Hollywood,” but I have to tell you that Pastor Tim brings some of the most solid biblical teaching out there and I’ve been under some great teaching in the past. He’s unabashed and unashamed of what the gospel says. And it is in this lack of timidity that he has taken us recently into the book of Ecclesiastes.

I wasn’t sure how I was going to respond to this study that we’ve just barely started. For those unfamiliar, it is an Old Testament book that was likely written by King Solomon (or someone within his sphere of influence or taking upon Solomon’s mantle). He doesn’t refer to himself as such, only as “The Preacher”. The other thing you have to know is that this is the most secular approach to God in the entire bible. It’s where the phrase “under the sun” comes from and it approaches eternity from a skeptic’s viewpoint. Basically, it begs the question “what is life all about when all there is to life is life itself?”

©Alex Eylar on Flickr

That first week, we looked at life as it would compare to a movie script. Most of us are familiar with some semblance of story structure. At the very least, we should understand what the climax of a story is. Pastor Tim challenged us with the fact that many of us in the room live our lives as if the climax of our story will be when we are successful and have received the admiration of our peeps. Others are living as if the climax of our lives will be when we are standing on the wedding altar with that perfect man or woman of our dreams.

While these are good things that we are meant to pursue, they are not meant to become our sole dedication in life. If our identity lies within who we date or what our job title is, then we stand the risk of losing sight of who we are should we lose that very thing. What we need to realize is that our relationship with Christ defines us. Our identity is within Him. The moment that we accepted Christ is the climax of our story and no point in our life will define who we are as greatly as that moment.

Several months prior, I had already wrestled with the career aspect. I asked myself if I was making my career an idol and I had already come to the conclusion that I had not. I was willing to give it up if that was how God directed me. But in the days prior to hearing this, I was already struggling with the question of whether or not I was placing my desire for a relationship with a woman above my desire for a relationship with Christ. And I couldn’t answer that at first, but I knew immediately upon this illustration that I was. It was time to try to let it go.

Every week, something was said that got me thinking about my priorities in life. Am I sharing my faith enough? Am I caring enough for the salvation of others? Am I making excuses for myself in these areas? And each week, I felt convicted. When the book turned to the unpleasant conversation of death, I began asking myself what I would say at a funeral of a loved one. Would I stand before all of the attendees and passionately proclaim the gospel?

And then Tim’s wife gave birth to their third daughter. He took the week off and another one of the pastors took the stage and preached about the prodigal son. He admitted that there was nothing new that he could glean from this oft-preached passage, but he hoped to refresh our memories and remind us. Yet, he was able to pull out a truth that I had not seen before in all of my previous studies. And it hit me square across the face and has (so far) changed my life.

At the beginning of the story, as the younger son is basically saying that he wishes his father were dead, we see how the father reacts in the face of rejection. He’s hurt, but he doesn’t lash out at his son. In fact, how he went about giving his son what he wanted was acknowledging that the son was still his. Of course, the application was supposed to be about God’s response to us when we reject him, but I got something much more personal out of it, much more profound.

You see, all of us can associate with the father in this story. We have all been rejected at some point in our lives by someone close to us. We’ve been dumped by a lover or betrayed by a colleague. Yet, our human nature is not to respond in the same way this father did. We have self-defense mechanisms designed to stop the hemorrhaging arteries of our heart. We change our opinion about the person who wronged us in an effort to stop the pain. If we convince ourselves that the person was mean and evil all along, it’s easier for us to stop caring.

Yes, I went with a brick analogy. Sue me. ©Tim Green on Flickr

Suddenly, it hit me. That’s exactly what I do when I’m rejected. And it’s not healthy. More specifically, I was trying to convince myself what a horrible person my ex was for upsetting me and not contacting me to reconcile our differences. That anger continued to build and build and build. I trying to insist that I was over her, but more than one person pointed out that I was merely trying to convince myself that I was.

That night, I posted on Facebook about my discovery. I posed the question that, if I truly love someone to begin with, must I stop loving them in order to get over them? Doesn’t love last through anger and non-reciprocation?

And suddenly, I wasn’t angry any more. I had peace. It was okay for me to still love her, even though she rejected me. It didn’t even matter if she knew it, as long as I did. I can’t tell you just how much freedom there was in that action.

There is honestly more to this story, but I want to stop it here. I’ll just summarize to say that I sent her a text message on Friday night to let her know that I didn’t hate her, then unfriended her on Facebook today as a way to just let her go. That hurt I felt before is gone. The anger has dissipated. This was an act I resisted doing previously out of pettiness and was able to do now as a sign of acceptance that we both had moved on.

Yes, I’ll still miss her. And part of me will aways love her (as I should). But I’m free. And it’s all because God keeps slapping me in the face with His truth.

I don’t know what to write. I know that I need to say something, but for once I’m speechless. The worst part is that I don’t even know what to feel. I’m not sure if I’m numb, in denial, or if my emotions have already spilled out like the yellow lego guy up above.

Chances are, if you are reading this, you are a close friend trying to find out why I’m mentioning having a broken heart on Facebook. Or you are new to my life and you are looking back through my experiences in order to get to know me. Hopefully, you aren’t the leader of some advanced alien civilization that will determine our planet’s fate based on what I write throughout my blog. ‘Cause, if that’s the case, our species is fucked.

So, yeah… my heart is broken. I can’t say that this is the first time, because it’s not. I also can’t say that I didn’t think this was a possibility, because I knew it was. But this time… this time, it’s different.

I’ve already written about Savannah (although this is the first time I have mentioned her by name). My last two blog entries are actually about her, as are my three latest poems. We had been Facebook friends for a while, but had never met until five months ago when she came to a party I was hosting at El Torito. I can still recall the moment she walked through the doorway. As if I was seeing the vision of an angel, my heart skipped a beat and I knew that there was something special about her. We clicked immediately and, by the end of the evening, I knew that I had to ask her out. Within a couple of weeks, I was in love and I thought I had finally met the woman that I was going to spend the rest of my life with.

Yes, two weeks. Just like how I said this heartbreak is different, so were my feelings of love. She genuinely made me happy in a way that no other woman ever had. Unfortunately, she chose another guy and I pushed her completely away for several weeks. During that time, I had never stopped thinking about her, nor had I stopped being in love with her.

When I found out that she was again single, I sought counsel from friends and prayed to God for him to provide a divine appointment to see her. Two days later, I emailed her and apologized. Two days after that, we randomly ran into each other at a networking event and it was as if no time had passed at all. So much so, that we went on a date exactly one week later and really enjoyed ourselves.

We took things slow. Really slow. It wasn’t my idea, even though it really was what I needed, but it was because she wasn’t sure how she felt yet. To further confuse matters, we would say that we loved each other all of the time, even though we were not yet a couple. From the outside, a handful of people commented that it seemed she was leading me on, but I know that she was genuinely trying to see if the deeper feelings would develop. She loved me, but was she in love with me?

And that’s when we arrive at yesterday. My phone rang, her beautiful face appears on the screen. I answer and she is soon confessing that those feelings still haven’t arrived. She doesn’t think we are meant to be more than friends.

I had been fearing this call. You might even say that I was prepared, except for the fact that it came as I was eating and surrounded by a group of friends at a potluck. I stepped outside for privacy, pacing around the driveway in my socks as we discussed our hearts.

There is one thing that I didn’t mention above: during the last two months of re-courting Savannah, I had fallen even more in love. I already thought it was something unique and special, but now it was more. And I can’t explain it. For the life of me, I can not tell you how this deeper level of love feels. The closest I can get is comparing these emotions to the concept of “soul mate” or “true love”. I found myself in a place where I no longer sought her to make me happy, but my joy came in bringing happiness to her. A place where I would gladly deny myself to give her life. My greatest concerns about her were about her well being, future, and salvation. I would try to imagine a future without her in it and not only was it not possible, but it was not desirable.

Yet, here I stood. In a friend’s driveway. In my socks. On the phone. Talking about my heart and my faith to the woman I loved more than anyone else in the world. And the topic on the table was that she loves me, but isn’t in love with me.

Then my phone dies at perhaps the most critical moment of our conversation. I rush back inside and borrow my friend’s phone. By the time I get online and recover her phone number, she had already retired for the evening. The conversation was over.

I sunk down against the wall, not breathing a word of the call’s contents to anyone. I only half-watched the movie that was playing as I texted a handful of close friends to let them know. And any time I thought about how I felt, a silent tear would creep down my face. I was trying not to show it, but I was numb inside and I felt like I was dying from the inside out. I simply didn’t know how to respond.

Everyone left, but I stayed behind. My friend asked about the call. He was asking about the second half of the conversation, which he knew about. I answered the questions, then told him about the first.

I couldn’t look at him as I talked, I just kept staring forward and looking at nothing in particular. I wept as I spoke, holding onto as much composure as I could muster. “I just want God’s best for her, even if it doesn’t include me.” I told him, meaning every word. In fact, I had been praying that very thing for almost two weeks, always hoping that God’s best did, in fact, include me. I just wanted God to know that I wasn’t making an idol out of a relationship with her.

God had been teaching me a lot as I waited for a relationship with her. I honestly thought that, giving her enough time, God would have changed her heart toward me. The funny thing is, even now as I stand on this side of the phone call, I still feel as strongly as I did then about her being “the one.”

I promised Savannah weeks ago that I wasn’t going to push her away again. I’m going to hold myself to that promise (if only for me, because it sucked last time not to be able to talk to her). And it’s always possible for God to change her heart, but I also know it’s healthy for me to not expect that to happen and try to move on. Yet, all I want is her. All I see is her. I don’t even know if I can trust myself to love another woman the way I love her.

So, here I stand alone. Not sure which way to go. Not sure how to act, how to feel, or what to think. All I know is that I’m in pain because I love someone very, very deeply and it turns out that it wasn’t enough.

I think God has been working on me a lot lately. A lot more than normal. Well, at least I’m listening more and actually letting the lessons sink in. That’s gotta count for something, right?

A little over a month ago, I told you about pushing the woman I loved away and finally mustering up the courage to tell her that I was sorry. So much has happened since I wrote that and I couldn’t tell every detail if I wanted to. (I actually don’t want to, believe it or not… I know, so not like me!) What I am willing to share is that, two days after sending her that apology email and her replying, we randomly ran into each other at a networking event. I didn’t expect to see her, but there she was. And it was like no time had passed.

I honestly had not expected to be back in her life so quickly, nor had I expected to have another chance to pursue her, but it was happening. I was apprehensive at first; afraid to have my heart broken by the same person once again. Yet, there I was: confessing my love and falling back in love with the person that never left my heart emotionally. I even wrote her another poem (the third she has been a muse for) and was getting happier and happier by the day as we appeared to draw closer to the other, inch by inch.

And I say inch, because we are taking it slow. Very slow. And it’s frustrating the hell out of me, but it is exactly what I need. This is the lesson I need to learn. Not the patience part, but the part that forces me to trust God with this relationship. You see, because I’ve dated so many women that have never turned into relationships, my fear is that this one never will as well. I’m afraid of getting hurt and instead of keeping myself guarded, it forces me to rush things when I find a woman that I truly like. And I try to take control of the situation to make them love me back, which doesn’t work. At all. Even good things have been taken away from me because I’m not letting God do his work.

A couple weeks ago, I realized what I was doing. I was trying to force the relationship to happen instead of letting God woo her heart toward me. So, I reached out to a couple of close friends and told them what was going on and asked for prayer. Since then, it’s been a back-and-forth battle between my fear, which has been reading too much into the situation, and my faith, which is handing control back over to God.

I even had a night where I ran into a friend from church, told him of my struggle, then went home. Within an hour, my fear had again consumed me and I tweeted my frustration. This same friend saw and commented, “cuz then we wouldn’t need to trust God for everything and care the most about His opinions.”

That hit me square between the eyes. God wanted me to see how ridiculous I was acting. So, I handed control over to him once more. The next several days, however, the pattern would continue. My mind would wonder why things are going so slow, then God would remind me that he wants me to build something that will last, then I’d grow fearful again, then I’d relax and trust God once more. Never. Ending. Cycle.

Finally, Sunday arrives. I force myself to go to church (I’ve really been slacking all this year). Pastor Tim is currently teaching from Hosea, which chronicles a prophet who married a prostitute as a symbol of God’s love for, and relationship with, the nation of Israel. At one point, he made the following commentary:

If you have to perform in order to achieve acceptance, you will be forced to continue performing to order to maintain acceptance.

Bam! Right between the eyes again. He was talking about the nature of God’s love toward us. This also directly relates to the falsity of works-based salvation, because one could not work hard enough to achieve, let alone maintain, God’s acceptance. (And, when you think about it, that makes the grace of his abundant love for us even greater).

For me, though, it hit closer to home. It hit directly where I was struggling: my prospective relationship. And I relate it like this: If I work hard to win her love through my performance, I will be forced to never stop performing, lest the relationship fall apart. Alternatively, if I just be myself and allow God to bring us together in his timing and according to his desire, then it will be a union that can stand under pressure. And that’s the kind of relationship I want.

Are there still things I have to do? Yes. I’ll still call her, write her poetry, and open doors for her because that’s the kind of guy I am, but at the end of the day I can relax and let God deal with her heart. I couldn’t force that to change anyway. When all is said and done, God has got to be involved. I can either get in the way and make it more difficult, or I can step aside and let him work his magic.

I choose to let him work his magic.